....to breathe. Having just got married things are supposed to be great and wonderful and couldn't be happier and I suppose for the most part I am. I married a wonderful man (in my opinion) and the marriage its self couldn't be better or happier. But not having a job is starting to take its toll. And I THINK its mainly me being down on myself thinking if I had done something different or better somehow that this would be easier. And while J would never be upset with me because I can't find a job, I can tell its taking its own toll on him. I'm thankful for the life I do have...its been pretty easy...granted I've seen things, and experianced things I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to go through but thats life and we deal and we learn and we grow and we move on.
I suppose its unfair really for me to sit back and whine and complain and be like "its just not fair" boo-hoo....but its hard not to be that way. I really don't think I've done many "wrong" things in my life and for this one area to be causeing problems pretty much....sucks.
I could wake up every morning and count my blessings and tell my inner self to shut the heck up but its hard not to wake up thinking "whats gonna go wrong today" or "I'm never gonna find a job"
And really when it comes down too it, its not even a financial problem. I mean yes...its tight...and some bills might be delayed in payment and easing that is my main goal in trying to find a job, but if needed we could survive.
I'm really at a loss as what to do to tell the truth. I have options open to me yes...but none of them are good. Do I take a part-time seasonal job that I know will end the 2nd week of January and cause problems for spending time with the family? Do I pass on it and be on un-employment until I find a more satisfying and permanent job?
My mother-in-law, bless her, is trying to do us a "favor" by talking to her supervisor at work but I don't think I can work in a factory again. And saying that, I have to pause and think to myself...."am I just being picky, spoiled, and selfish?"
I believe part of my problem is, I'm talented, and I know it and I am NOT trying to toot my own horn, but I DO have an imagination that goes on for miles, and a creative streak the size of the grand canyon and its hard to go do a daily job where you have to curb both of those things, especially when it is such a huge part of who I am. Everytime I've had to go into a job and lose that part of myself, I feel like I start to slip away and become someone else entirely. It makes me sad to have to shut down a part of me that is so essentially me. I love creating. Nothing makes me happier than when I can go out and take pictures and then come home and scrapbook and then maybe I want to make some jewelry or maybe my mind is leaning towards writing one day.....and to lose that part of me, or shut it down to get through the day....it just seems to make me sad.
I don't really know whats going to happen. I worry about it and I know J worries about it, but I really don't know what more I can do. I'm waiting to hear back from one job and while most people seem to think its a shoe-in something in me is saying..."this isn't going to happen this time...you need to find something else." The thing is...I've tired everything else. I have my application in at what seems like 20 different places, I have a temp agency trying to find me a job, I have a part-time temp job that I have to decide if I am taking, but in the end nothing seems "right".
I'm 25 and I still don't know what I want to DO with my life. Everything I know I would be happy doing, and making a life from....they just simply aren't feasible options.
After such a depressing post I feel the need to leave a picture of one of the things that brings great joy to my life. Truth be told all in all I have a good life and I really should be content and my little neice helps remind me of that.
